We all have little things we are afraid of getting into. Some of us are so comfortable with them, we name them and call them our own, while others have to go on a quest to fix them and try to get better attributes to hang out with.
When I joined the community, more than a year ago, I had quite a few of these all over and there wasn’t much I could do about them, actually, there was nothing I wanted to do about them, and I kept them there, like a friend you talk to only when everyone else has left. I was relatively religious, which means, I went for mass once a week, prayed occasionally, said the rosary and proclaimed to the world that I was Catholic. I did not know and for a large part of my life refused to believe that I had commitment issues.
I knew back then that I couldn’t make any commitments as I was too afraid of keeping them or the downsides of breaking them. I would even tell my friends, ‘sure, I’ll do it, but I am not making any promises’, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with what would happen if I couldn’t. Over time, I didn’t over think about this and people who knew me, came to peace with this. I usually always followed through, but wouldn’t commit to it all the same.
This only turned out being an issue when I had to fill out my commitment card for the CFCI Singles. This happened around the beginning of this year and apparently they don’t take, ‘no promises’ as an answer. I told them that I couldn’t make the commitment and when asked why, I told them, I wasn’t sure I would be able to follow through.
The rules seemed harsh for someone who wasn’t used to doing these things. I had at the time started saying the rosary regularly and attending mass as often as possible, but here they were telling me to say a bunch of prayers, intercede and do a lot more, that too for a barely practicing Catholic who has just made a bunch of major changes in his life, seems overwhelming. I told my formators and my household head that I couldn’t do it.
All I remember was them retorting and telling me to think about why I couldn’t. They also mentioned that there was no issue with me not doing it, and I could try getting it out of the way the following year. I don’t remember why I went through with it, but the last thing I remember was, being told, maybe you should think long and hard about why you are so afraid of doing this.
I told everyone that it was since I was not sure if I would be able to keep the commitment. That was one stressful day. I could see others doing this so happily and I wondered if this burden even bothered them. How can you promise to do something that you aren’t sure of following through?
After ages, I don’t even know why, I prayed and said, I am not sure why you have brought me here, at this weird crossroad, you are asking me to step out of my comfort zone and do all this, why? I mean I can be religious and do all that you want without having to sign a bit of paper stating that I am doing it. I don’t need someone to constantly check up on me, if asked, I would tell whoever but why sign anything. It frightened me more than anything I had ever done, even making my Adhaar card didn’t seem so bad at this moment.
I gave in and I signed it, I was called to stop being comfortable and stop getting fat in my corner and I to make a difference, if that means signing the card and adding all this to the list of things I had to complete. I wish I could say after signing nothing changed, but that’s far from true. Everything changed and yes, for the better. The only reason I began doing most of the stuff, writing for the site, regular mass, confession, is the commitment card. Later I continued for different reasons, but it has got me to do a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t.
I started thinking about commitments in my personal life as well. I usually refuse, but there are times when I think about it and follow though, a leap of faith that tells me, I can work on it and commit at a much later time but I have given my word so I will try my best.